Scientists in Rockford, Illinois have recently announced the discovery of a new species of dinosaur. Small, agile, carnivorous and extremely swift, the creature is apparently related to the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dubbed "the pygmy tyrant" by experts, this nanotyrannosaurus roamed what are now the plains of the American west. Researchers unearthed an intact skeleton in Montana, but we could have spared them a lot of unnecessary digging. There is a female pygmy tyrant living in captivity at our house right now. We call her a toddler. Below are field notes culled from recent observations of this fascinating creature:

Day One: The pygmy tyrant's preferred habitat is one of chaos. She carries books, dolls, toys, and empty cups from one area to another, leaving a trail of debris in her wake. Certain objects have acquired totemic status, including a scrap of plaid fabric aggressively protected by the pygmy tyrant. Attempts to remove said items result in angry bellowing and other threatening verbal displays. Primitive nesting behavior? Requires further analysis.

Day Two: Unable to establish creature's natural sleep/wake cycle. Varies wildly. Occasionally will not sleep at all, despite obvious fatigue. During these wakeful periods, the behavior of the pygmy tyrant is dangerously unpredictable. Enraged and sleepless pygmy tyrant flings wooden block at observer; surveillance temporarily halted due to injury.

Day Three: Despite the constant presence of grime on the creature's face, the question of grooming has been conclusively answered. The pygmy tyrant was witnessed wiping her own hands and face on a pre-moistened towelette. That the creature then tried to eat the towelette does not invalidate the finding, though it is worrisome.

Day Four: Volatile temper to the contrary, the pygmy tyrant is a social creature and frequently seeks interaction with both adults and other juvenile tyrants. Fond of repetition, the tyrant frequently removes books from her nest area (see Day One), and uses them as crude tools to poke or whack nearby adults. Once adult attention is obtained, she squeals and roars until achieving her goal of having Mr. Brown Can Moo. Can You? read aloud for the umpteenth time.

Day Five: The pygmy tyrant is surprisingly adept at manipulating electronics. Mesmerized by the dishwasher, she repeatedly yanked on the control knob, then removed and hid it. Moving to the oven, the tyrant worked tirelessly at its barely-out-of-reach knobs. Distracted from her task by a ringing phone, the creature hauled a cordless handset into her nest and dialed a random number in South Korea. Note: scrutinize last month's mysteriously high phone bill.

Day Six: Don't let her diminutive stature fool you. The pygmy tyrant is fast. In one documented two minute time period, the creature emptied a cupboard full of Tupperware, shoved her plastic alphabet letters under the refrigerator, dragged a bottle of Windex out of the laundry room, and swished her feet in the dog's water dish. An attempt to restrain the tyrant was met with belligerent, high-decibel wailing. Theory: destructive behavior as a means of marking territory?

Day Seven: Baffled by source of pygmy tyrant's boundless energy, as creature seems to consume nothing but Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, Cheerios, and milk. Experiments with hamburger have been successful, though all other foods are violently rejected. Vegetable matter in particular has been met with outright hostility, manifested in shrieking, head shaking, and the tossing of offending vegetable at researchers. Currently investigating the feasibility of rolling vegetables in dog hair and leaving them on the floor, since the pygmy tyrant is eager to put any item found in that condition into her mouth.

Field research was terminated after one week to allow participating observers to recover.

Scientists conclude that it is remarkable that the pygmy tyrant, lacking size, strength, or superior tools, is somehow able to virtually control and dominate her surroundings. One promising theory suggests that the tyrant uses her considerable charm and beauty, along with effusive bursts of affection directed at her minders, to maintain her primacy in the environment. Though more data is called for, this study clearly indicates that only the very strongest, most adaptable organisms are able to co-exist in harmony with the cunning, energetic, and mercurial pygmy tyrant. These organisms are easily identified by their haggard appearance, weary gait, and fierce devotion to the tyrant they serve. We call them "parents."