A listener e-mailed me and asked me to write a column on what beauty products I use. I love talking about girl stuff. I love being a girl. If you're a guy reading this and thinking, "Oh for God's sake who cares about mascara?" don't be so quick to leave. There's nudity coming up, okay? I swear.

Beauty products. The phrase itself is loaded with such promise. Like there's anything in a jar, bottle, can, bag, shaker, mister, tube, - whatever - that's gonna make any of us look like Cameron Diaz. But I believe everything I hear when it comes to skincare. Everything. Micro-exfoliating beads. Timed-release moisture molecules. Light-capturing skin enhancers. I'm still not convinced that my 401K really exists somewhere but Pearl Cream, a lotion that bills itself as an "ancient Chinese secret"? I absolutely accept that.

Believing isn't buying though. Some of this stuff is beyond ridiculous. Why pay $49.95 for a fruit acid scrub when I can get kiwis two for a buck and rub those all over my face? Did you know that kiwi fruits have an enzyme that's used as a meat tenderizer? Scrub your face with half a kiwi, rinse with warm water, slap a mask of plain nonfat yogurt on your face, stick a couple of cucumber slices over your eyes, lay on the bed for 20 minutes. Rinse, charge yourself about $75 and you've just had an all-natural facial. I've done this and liked it very much. Did it work? It sure didn't hurt. The rest of the time I just wash my face with Clinique soap, and use a moisturizer with sunblock. Olay works for me. My Bunny says that only old ladies use Olay, which is a dirty lie. Would he rather I spent a ton of money on like, Chanel or Shiseido or whatever when Olay gets it done and can be found at Target? Money that would have gone for his birthday present or something? Didn't think so.

My favorite beauty ritual involves the whole body. After every shower, towel dry but just barely. While you're still damp, cover your entire body with moisturizer. I'm really hooked on shea butter. (Try www.skinlove.com) I read that Pamela Anderson used it while pregnant to prevent stretch marks. I'm thinking that her skin is pretty elastic, given the many changes in bra size she's enjoyed, but if anyone's likely to be an expert in the area of rubbing stuff all over herself, Pamela Anderson's the girl. So I tried it. Shea butter rocks! You won't believe how smooth and soft and glowy your whole body can be. An added benefit is that you can turn the application process into a live girly show. You know, the whole touching your moist body all over in a steamy bathroom while tossing your hair and looking sultry, etc.

I read once that you can make your hair really shiny by mixing vodka into your shampoo. Seemed like a waste of good liquor to me but I tried it anyway. Did it work? I didn't think so. Plus, having a bottle of Absolut in the bathroom can be hard to explain to guests. Here's the only good hair advice I've ever gotten: don't cut it yourself. When it comes to hair I'm a real pain. I use Aveda, which costs roughly as much as plutonium, and can only be found at salons and some CVS stores. My hair rituals drive my husband insane, which is why, as a courtesy, I perform them topless. Shampoo, condition - conditioner must stay on hair for at least five minutes. Wrap head in towel like Yassir Arafat for half an hour. Spritz with volumizing tonic (Aveda, $12, no idea why I do this). Rub with straightening balm (Rusk Str8, $8, CVS, makes it shiny). Blow dry. Rub with Aveda Styling Creme ($14, makes it shiny). He offered to blow dry my hair for me once. This is dangerous territory for a straight engineer-type guy, but I let him do it anyway. Fifteen minutes later, my head was the circumference of Jupiter. I looked like I'd just climbed an electrified fence. "But this is how I like your hair." he whined. Luckily I was able to distract him with my toplessness and thus save myself from the insane cavewoman coiffure. Men like our hair to be wild and sexy. But they'll settle for our boobs every time. Which is why we're fools to spend so much time and money on beauty products...